Time For a Time-Out, Mom!

I am blogging on the bathroom floor while watching my daughter take a bath. Why? Because I'm learning that sometimes (more times than not) my child has a perfectly good reason for acting out.

I had punishment on my mind as I went to pick up my 15 month old from behind the side table after telling her "don't touch!" about a bazillion times. I was seeing red . . .  but the red took on a distinct shade of brown as I lifted her and my hand made a "squish" sound into her poop soaked pants. Y U U U U C K!!!! My route towards the time-out spot took a detour to the tub as I looked around in frantic futility for someone else - anyone else - who might deal with this for me. But alas, my husband is at a class for graduate school and my 4 nannies have the night off (what was I thinking?)

My goal was to teach my daughter something, but I learned the lesson instead. Darn you, kid! You're always forcing me to acknowledge how far I fall short of the Mom of The Year award . . . . but then your hugs and kisses make me feel like I've already won it.

Now to dry off this lil' booger and get her in some cozy jammies. 

*sigh*

Livin' and learnin' - the life of a mom.

This Constitutes a "Not Me Monday"

The other day I made some roasted butternut squash for a recipe. Yummy, right? I roasted twice as much squash as the recipe called for and so had the brilliant idea to use it to make some homemade baby food! I'm so trendy. The blender was not really cutting it, so at this point I would never use a rubber spatula to help feed the squash into the blade. Because if I did, the blade would cut up the spatula into tiny bits and then incorporate those rubber bits into the mushed squash rendering it inedible. Who would be so stupid as to do that? Not Me!

While doing a little cleaning-out of my car I discovered a dirty diaper on the dash behind the back seat. It must have been there for over a month - maybe two. Now who would have put a dirty diaper there and then left it? Not Me!

Who is neglecting a fussing baby while writing this blog? Not Me!

 

The Poo Poo Chronicles

My Daughter is Talented

Has your baby ever pooped so far up her back that it gets into her hair? I don't think so!
Once this happens, how am I supposed to get the outfit off of her without getting poo on the few remaining clean spots on her body/hair short of taking a pair of scissors to cut the outfit off of her similarly to how a doctor would cut the clothes off of a person after a serious accident. I didn't cut the outfit off, but I might as well have since I am considering just throwing the darn thing away instead of dealing with it. So what do we have? Poo poo everywhere. Poo on the changing table. Poo on the baby. Poo on me. Poo all over the sink as I spray her down with the dish hose. Not to mention the poo on the couch and boppy where she was sitting when the deed was done. *Sigh*

My house stinks . . . liiiiiiike cherries! Which brings me to my next chapter:

My Daughter Smells Sweet

Yes, her skin now smells sweet, but so does her poo?! Not the "mmm, I want a Twizzler" sweet or the "oh, make me a perfume out of that so I can wear it on special occasions" sweet, but the "eww, I think the peach cobbler you made a year ago got mixed together with the stinkiest cheese you can find . . . and then went bad" sweet. It makes me almost yak. It is inexplicable. I have asked the doctor and he has no idea. The only thing I can think of is maybe it is connected to the vitamins I give her?

My Daughter Recycles

I want you to guess. Guess how she recycles. The more cynical and creative of you may have figured it out. It has to do with combining her new discovery of her thighs with her affinity for tasting her fist and adding a dirty diaper change. She is just too fast for me. It is like she has a million little hands and they are all covered in poo heading towards her mouth.

You may ask, how do you keep from getting sick and adding to the mess? I simply go to a happy place in my mind - a place where I am cleaning a diaper full of chocolate pudding, but I don't partake because I am on a diet. Wait, that's not a happy place.

Not ME! Monday

 

I would like to make it clear that after discovering that my daughter has pooped out of her diaper, up her back and all over her thighs I would always immediately give her a bath. I would never simply clean her up with baby wipes and save a bath for later. Not me!

I would never clamp my daughter's lips closed despite her protests in hopes that she will swallow at least a small amount of her medicine. Not me!

I would also never get so absent-minded that I leave the house and go to church wearing my house slippers. Not me!

When my daughter wakes up from a nap with her hair all disheveled, I would never compare her hair to a certain recently divorced mother of 8. Not me!

I always put away my daughter's clothes immediately. I would never let them sit in a hamper for a week and simply pull clothes out of it whenever she needs something to wear. Not me!
(I actually did promise myself that I would never do such a thing, but things happen.)


I have decided to NEVER leave Juniper alone again! For the very first time I left her alone with my husband while I went out to a book club meeting. What did my DH tell me when I arrived back home? My little girl had completely rolled over for the very first time . . . AND I MISSED IT!!!!! That's it. I will never again leave her side!