Becoming the Mother I Swore I'd Never Be

Alternate Title: Confessions of an Imperfect Mother . . . Part 1 of many

The TV is honestly an awesome babysitter and at times my savior.

The other day at a restaurant, a waitress had to bring my wandering child to me while I paid the bill. *face palm*

Sometimes, I put her to bed with a bottle. I just do extra brushing on her teeth the next day. Ok, no, I don't.

I let her run wild in our little post office and tear the place apart as I tried to ship 3 packages. I figured it was easier to just pay for what she'd damaged than to spend all my energy frivolously trying to chase her and put things back on shelves. There was a moment when she walked up to me with someone else's keys. I ran out and chased a woman to her car, just to find out that they were not hers. I just endured the judgmental stairs. I don't even care anymore.

When I'm really frustrated at her and trying to get her to mind me, I grit my teeth at her. I hate that.

I always frowned upon other parents when their children yelled "no" at them all the time. I made it a goal to rarely use that word with my child to try and keep her from forming that habit. So, I now have a child that just yells "stop" at me. *sigh* Apparently, I've ruined this kid. I'll try again with the next one.

While at a street fair, we were standing in a driveway listening to some musicians. Exhausted by chasing after my child who had decided to be ornery that day, I was allowing her to pick up snack puffs that she had dropped on the dirty ground and eat them. Concerned onlookers decided to inform me of the appalling thing my child was doing. I told them she was improving her immune system and allowed them to stare at us with sour looks on their faces. Again, I just don't care.

To be continued . . . . .

Quiting Nursing COLD-TURKEY :(

Here is my "weening" story that really involved no "weening" at all! (Do you know if you forget the first 'n' in "weening" it becomes "weeing"? That is an entirely different story.):

Due to a bout with sinusitis and medicines I needed to take to cure it, I was told by my doctor that I had to stop nursing right away. WHAT?! I had no milk stored up. I mean, with Juniper being 11 months old, I had already switched one of her feedings with a bottle - but ALL of them?! I wasn't ready for that! And I was SURE she wasn't ready for it. My desire was to nurse until Juniper stopped wanting it, so I was almost devastated hearing that I had to quit cold turkey for 10 days. I prepared myself for a week of hell.

Well, color my face red when Juniper didn't bat an eye at no longer getting my boob.  She didn't have any trouble at all! I was the one falling apart over it but she hasn't seemed to miss it. She is chugging a bottle like a champ - even holding it herself.

The other day, I had her on the bed while I was changing clothes.  Usually, when she's sees me without a shirt she smacks her lips and whines, wanting me to feed her. Instead, she handed me my bra, as if to say, "Put those away, Mom!" And it was only the 1st full day without nursing! Excuse me if I feel a little rejected! I kind of thought I was more necessary than that. HA!

You know, I thought I would miss the closeness of nursing, but I am finding that we are connecting even more and cuddling more when I feed her from a bottle. I guess it is bc she gets to be so much closer to my face. With my anatomy, she would have to lay flat on my lap to nurse. Now, I can cuddle her up close while I feed her. She seems to be exploring my face more and taking breaks to "talk" to me. She even directly called me "Ma ma" for the first time! (I don't count the times she's wailed it when she wanted something.)

I expected this "cold-turkey" to be as miserable or more so than my sever case of sinusitis. I didn't expect to have to "ween" like this. But, as shocked as I am, it seems to actually be a good thing. I am no longer used as a bag of milk to comfort her - there were many times that she didn't want me, just my milk. I felt objectified!

Here are some more positives:
I no longer have to consider her diet when deciding what I want to eat. (Sweet tea, anyone? YES!)
I can get back on my ADD meds!!!!! (if my insurance company would stop being stupid. arg!)
I am no longer the ONLY ONE who can feed her milk! (this last one is my favorite)

How did I deal with the discomfort of "cold-turkey" weening? Part of my medication for the sinusitis was Zyrtec D. My Doula/Breast Counselor friend told me that when mothers ween but continue to produce milk, they prescribe Zyrtec because it will dry them right up. Well, there you go. No fussy baby. No achy boobies. Thank you, LORD!


A little piece of me has died, as does every time Juniper takes another step away from being my little baby and towards becoming her own person. But, that empty place is restored and refilled to overflowing by the blessing of seeing her grow into the beautiful creature God has created her to be. What joy I feel when she turns to me out of choice for a kiss, a hug, a snuggle - knowing that she is showing conscious love and desire for me. Now you've got me crying.

Being a parent helps me understand God's love for us so much more. How He must feel when we choose Him and also when we try to objectify Him as just a resource to be used. I know that this journey of parenthood will continue to take me to a greater understanding of our Lord. This child is an unending source of blessings :)


Today, I found her walking around with my nursing cover slung around her neck like a cape. That is the most interest she has had in anything having to do with nursing since the last time I nursed her. It made me smile :)

Of course, I will choose to nurse with my next child, and will encourage any mother to do so if it is a possibility for her. And, though I really enjoyed that season of my relationship with my daughter, I am enjoying this new season of her independence, as well. Even if she IS already exhibiting behavior associated with the "terrible two's" at the age of 12 months. *sigh* More on that, later.

p.s. I just looked it up and realized that the correct spelling is "weaning," not "weening." That clears up the confusion at the beginning. yup.

Mamma Bear

I had a triumphant morning! Today, I slew a stinging insect! A hornet, to be exact. Hooray!!!
This is a huge triumph for me, since in the past if a stinging insect invaded my home and was flying around angrily, I would just barricade myself in another room until my husband came home - yes, I would stay in that room all day. That is how fearful I am of stinging insects.

My first encounter was when I was about 5 (or 8, I can't remember.) Anyway, my family and I were walking through a new neighborhood that had been built near ours, admiring the new houses and checking out the sample homes. As we were leaving we walked through the same rot iron gate we had come in through. The gate had a hole for a handle, but no handle yet. So, we just put our hand through the hole to open it. This was not a problem going in as we all passed through the gate together and went on our way. However, on the way back I ran ahead so I could hold the door open for my family (trying to be sweet has a history of burning me - more stories later.) Lo and behold, within that hole resided a wasp and its nest. As my fingers were disturbing the nest, the wasp flew out to meet me. I screamed. What did my father tell me to do? "Stand still! It won't bother you." Well, that works unless you just stuck a finger directly into their nest. At that point the wasp is already mad and your fate is pretty much sealed. So, I did as my father instructed. I stood still and let that wasp take its time in getting its aim. It made 3 figure 8s in front of my face and then decided to plant its stinger right into the tip of my nose. Yes, the stupid wasp stung the tip of my nose. From that day on I stayed as far away as possible from stinging insects.

Until today. But let me first quickly tell you my second encounter.

I was 2 WEEKS over-due with my little baby. Yes, I was a big waddling ball of miserable. I was walking down a few stairs after a visit to Sub-Way. I was out in the middle of nothing, no walls, no railings. I wasn't holding on to anything so I have no idea how this happened. All I can think is that I swung my arm (and you better believe I was swinging my arms while I was walking. Moving something that big took momentum, man.) I guess I swung my arm in the path of a hornet's flight. Well, EXCUSE ME mister hornet. Heaven forbid that I am walking where you are flying. So, it decided to sting me on the arm. All I heard was a quick buzz and then felt a terrible sting in the crook of my arm.
I was a pitiful sight, let me tell you. Tears started streaming down my face. It wasn't that it really hurt too badly, but my feelings were hurt. I mean, didn't it see how miserable I was? And I didn't do anything to it! I was just walking, well, waddling back to my car after trying to treat my gloomy self to a scrumptious sandwich. I stood there and just said, "Why?"
Two ladies were walking by and, seeing a hugely pregnant lady standing there with a quivering bottom lip and talking to herself, they asked if I was alright. I began blubbering, "I was just walking and this hornet - I guess it was a hornet - came out of nowhere and stung my arm! Why would it do that?!"
They just stared at me bewildered. I realized they didn't have an answer for that, so I asked them, "What should I do? Do I need to go to the hospital? Is it going to hurt my baby?" (Yes, I was pretty hysterical.)
More bewildered stares and then one woman blinked and said, "I guess you should probably put some ice on it. Maybe use your drink. And then call your doctor."
Well, that sounded a lot more sensible to me. I got in my car and held my cold drink to the boo-boo until I got home. I called the doc and she said it was no big deal. Overreact much?

Which brings us to today.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

I am a Jungle Gym

I am a jungle gym.
I am a rock wall.
My nose, ears and eye sockets are hand-holds.
My legs, bulging belly and boobs are foot-holds.
My hair is ropes from which to swing.
I am a human jungle gym.

This is what I feel like with a rambunctious infant squirming all over me. Poor girl. She can not yet move herself to all the places she constantly and so desperately wants to be! She wants everything and is discontented by it once she has finally attained it. Restless, fickle girl. But, don't I so often feel the same way?

Rashes, rashes, rashes all over my baby's body. What are they? I am currently trying to rule-out foods by switching her back to just breast milk for a while. By comparing it to pictures on-line I do not believe it is eczema. Could it be just dryness from running a heater all winter? She has been cranky lately and my mother suggested she could be itchy - which makes sense. I guess we will be making a doctor appt. tomorrow. Arg.
Last time I took her in before her scheduled check-up bc I feared she had acid reflux I felt that they were all treating me like the overreacting mother that brings her baby in after every sneeze. But maybe it was just in my head - how they were treating me, not the acid reflux (though that may have been all in my head, as well.)


Last night I composed an entire post while lying in bed. I remember it was funny . . . but that is all I remember of it. However, I did have a dream that an ex-boyfriend of mine gained 400lbs and was crying bc he had moobs. I was trying to console him by saying that I had gained a lot of weight, too and we can find a way for us to lose weight. I think it was my subconscious's way of making me feel better about my weight-gain. It worked. But it's not true. He hasn't gained much weight . . . dang it.

And now for a little levity:
Here is Juniper having fun in her new highchair . . . and then deciding she is so over it.





I don't know why the video uploaded so pixelly. I'll figure it out next time. This time it took me over an hour to just figure out how (through trial and error) to post a video on here. I finally broke down and uploaded my very first video to YouTube. I'm one of the cool kids, now.

Musings of an Early Morning Feeding

Originally posted October 28, 2009
 
On Friday Juniper will be 1 month old! I feel like I need one of those signs you see in factories that say "258 days without injury. Previous record 175." Mine will read "30 days without physical or mental irreparable damage to the child. Previous record ____."
Juniper's baby acne is killing me! It looks like chicken pox. :( It is hard to see such a beautiful baby covered with so many blemishes.
So, I think I may have inadvertently had caffeine yesterday. This makes for a very fussy baby that can't make herself go to sleep no matter how hard she tries. Poor thing. She was awake for about 5 or 6 hours straight last night. It was either caffeine or the cream cheese I had on my bagel. We're still testing with this possible lactose-intolerance. I would HATE if she couldn't have dairy. I can't imagine a life without cheese and ice cream!
Juniper is becoming very vocal and better about communicating what she likes and dislikes and also letting us know when she wants her diaper changed. Last week the doctor was surprised that she is "talking" already. Usually her talking leads up to fussing, but sometimes she coos when she's happy. I could swear that her smiles are becoming more intentional and not just facial ticks and gas related. A couple times she has given me a big smile when I look at her or talk to her. So precious. :)

I'm keeping Juniper awake by typing this instead of rocking her. Bad mommy being so neglectful. Oops! Have I ruined my 30day run on the physical/mental injury sign? Oh, she just fussed herself to sleep. I'm sure she's fine. Phew!